I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
