I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
