My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
