It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
