Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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