Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
