I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
