these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
They are going to name an STD after you.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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