from now on my penis is your penis
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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