Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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