i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
