it's too hot outside to masturbate.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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