Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
