My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
