i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
