if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
