i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize