grandma shit on top of the toilet
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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