Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
