My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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