I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
