I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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