im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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