Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
