It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
