My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I feel great
I just peed on a car
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize