just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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