even my farts smell like vagina
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
