I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
