I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
