at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sex in the backyard? Check.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
