you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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