Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
