i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
