Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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