Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
