my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize