I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
