He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
