Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
