i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize