Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
