I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
