If that was your dad, he is hot
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
