Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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