i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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