There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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