That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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