man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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