life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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