Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She's the barista slut.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
