This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
