dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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