the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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