Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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