We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize