Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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