best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Hippo gnu deer
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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