The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
