Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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