His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
