You really coming over, don't trick.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
