his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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