He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Come share oat with me in your robe
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
