she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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